Thursday, May 5, 2011
Usefulness, (Empty) Words, and Prayers
I hate feeling useless. Words seem empty, useless; I can't express in words everything that's inside this little heart when I look at or think of or pray for Dr. McGuire. I'm trying to keep some faith in the power of prayer...I will pray if I'm motivated enough...and Dr. McGuire's cancer has given me the motivation to pray: I'm storming Heaven for him because it's all I really can do. But...I still feel useless. I want to do something--deeds, not just prayers and (empty?) words.
I've run out of words. I look at him, and it hurts--my heart breaks when I look at him. I saw him coming back from Communion at Mass today, saw his face--he looked exhausted, or maybe in pain--and I got this overwhelming urge to give that man a hug.
Yesterday, I hung around in the Commons for over an hour just because I wanted to ask him how he was doing, and then walked over to his office with him. We talked about mundane matters. I was too embarrassed to say: "I'll be in the area all Summer; if you need a babysitter or anything, let me know." I left because I didn't know what to say...there's too much going on in this little heart, and I'm afraid that if I try to say it, I'll lose it and bawl like a baby, and he doesn't need that. He gave me one of those Christendom-ish (boy, we need a better adjective that that) awkward one-armed hugs yesterday when I left his office, and I returned it, told him "you too" when he wished me "good luck" on Finals...
He doesn't need luck right now, Lord. He needs You, he needs love and support and he definitely doesn't need sentimentality, or tears from mushy-hearted former students. Dear Lord, hold him close.
I hope he knows that I will do anything I can.