How do you know if what you're doing is just pig-headed stubbornness and stupidity or if you're actually doing what God wants you to do at this moment?
I've graduated. Brownie points for me, despite my lousy GPA of this last semester. I'm living on my own--I haven't burnt the house down, been burglarized, or done anything stupid. Brownie points for me! I have enough "common sense" to put the lid back on the soap (my former scatterbrained-ness regarding said soap bottle was one of the major reasons my mother says I have no common sense and that my college education is a waste). Brownie points for me! I haven't let any food go to waste by forgetting that it's lurking in dark corners in the fridge.
It's been almost 4 weeks since Graduation and I still don't have a job. Because I didn't look hard enough this last semester. I was too busy trying to keep my sanity and trying to not freak out about Graduation. And, I was learning important life-lessons from an awesome History Professor.
Boredom and inactivity are bad for me. That's why I've started studying for the GRE, even though I have no clue if I really want to go to graduate school, or where I'd go. I know what subjects I would want to study, and they're exemplified by the two halves of this blog title: Library Sciences or Theology (with an emphasis on Fulton Sheen).
Job-hunting is annoying. Evidently I'm not doing enough of it. Evidently I should be applying for at least one job every single day of the week. That implies that there are 7, or 14, or 21 jobs out there that I would be interested in applying for. I think I've basically exhausted the library jobs that don't require a Master's Degree. Other than library work, I don't know what my interests are. That's really the only job I've had, other than 1 semester in the kitchen and 1 week in the Development Office.
Then there's the "theological" part of my brain...that Bachelor's Degree in Theology that I got 4 weeks ago. I'm sure there are teaching jobs out there, but I don't have any sort of teaching certificate, experience or interest. Public speaking terrifies me, and I really can't see myself as a teacher. Evidently teaching is the only thing you can do with a Degree in Theology, because that is what everyone asked me if I wanted to do once they found out I was majoring in Theology.
O, transportation, how I love thee! And hate thee at the same exact time. Because it involves trust, and dependence on others. Because my mother is blind, I grew up depending on public transportation, on friends and relatives. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to walk to the grocery store using an old wheelchair as your "buggy" so you can get all your groceries home again, because the bus doesn't get anywhere near close enough to your house? Or how terrifying it is to have to ask a complete stranger for a ride home because the ride service for the disabled isn't dependable, and they didn't come, and you can't walk home because it's raining, and your mentally-ill mother is in a stubborn mood and refuses to call relatives (who probably wouldn't come anyway, because they don't see themselves as having any obligation to you--even though they're family, for heaven's sake!).
One of the things I loved about being in college was the ability to get to Mass every single day, simply by walking on my own two feet over to the chapel. One of the things I hated about summertime at the college was the fact that our chaplain wasn't there all summer, so I had to catch a ride to Mass. One of the things I hate most about Post-College Life is the fact that I have to find a ride to Mass each week. I do it several days in advance, because I've experienced not getting to Mass on Sunday, or having to walk to Mass, because family isn't dependable. At least one side of my family, the side that asked us to move 2,000+ miles away from where I'd grown up for the sole purpose of us "being near family." Yeah right. They didn't act like it.
Which brings me around to the problem of trust. I know there are certain things I need to do, like search and apply for jobs every single day. I'm working on it. Yet at the same time, I'm freaking out: was choosing my current living arrangements a stupid idea? Should I have just gone to my sister's house, lived there, hung out with the Kiddos (my nieces and nephews), and job-hunted there?
I know God knows what the next step in my life is, but I wish that next step would come quickly. Because inactivity is bad for me...I need a job, I need something constructive to do!
On a cheerful note, June 11 is the 61st anniversary of the episcopal consecration of the Servant of God Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. I'm pretty sure he was keeping an eye out for me on his birthday (May 8), the day I took my American Film final, 'cause there was a question about him on the final, even though I still got a very low grade in the class. Maybe the good man will keep an eye out for my job hunt...where did I put that novena to him?
Bye now, and God Love You!
Yours in all things theological, librarian, and Fulton Sheen-related,