My thoughts and reflections on my Catholic Faith, Fulton Sheen, the problem of suffering, and books

Sunday, May 12, 2013

In Which I Indulge in Whining

I've tried to keep this blog very "theological" and "librarian-ish," and thus, not very personal.  But, after all, this is my blog; I can write whatever I want here.

So I'm going to whine.

Today was Mother's Day.  Today marked the fourth big "holiday" (including her birthday) on which I have had no contact with my mother.

Now, before y'all jump down my throat about what a terrible person I am: my mother has Paranoid Personality Disorder.  She's suspicious, critical, manipulative, controlling, and very good at making me feel two inches tall.  She has delusions that she is being followed, spied-upon, drugged, harassed, etc.

She refuses to acknowledge that I'm an adult and that I can make decisions about my life; if she had her way, she would be in control of my bank account, of whether or not I left the house (thank God I'm not living at home anymore!), of every minute of my day.  She thinks she loves me properly, that I'm a horrible person and a horrible daughter for not wanting to let her control every detail of my life.  (Not that she would ever think she was trying to "control" my life; she would just be trying to "love" me "properly.")

So, for the preservation of my own sanity, I had to go "No Contact" with her.  That hurt.  It was a very hard decision to make.

10 months after that decision, it's still hard.  I got through today without crying, but Mass last night was hard. Fr. Fasano gave a good sermon, all about mothers and Mother's Day; but I wanted to hide under the pew when he mentioned that there are people who are alienated/estranged from their mothers.  I felt like I was wearing a flaming sign on my forehead: "Not In Contact With Mentally Ill, Blind Mother--Horrible Person."  Because that's the attitude I get from a lot of people, and I am sick and tired of it!  I am sick and tired of the people who tell me "But she's your mother," and "You only have one mother"!  For heaven's sake, I know that!  I know I only have one biological mother.  I also know that she as sure-as-heck doesn't act like a mother!  Nurturing, protecting, encouraging?  Nope, nope, and nope.  Does she listen to me, give me advice when I ask for it, or tell me she's proud of me?  Nope again.  She didn't come to my graduation from college last year because the day after Graduation was Mother's Day, and she didn't want to spend her Mother's Day around her ex, because I'd invited my Dad.

If y'all think I'm a horrible person...I'll give you her address, I'll happily forward some of the emails that still show up in the trash bin (because Gmail doesn't have a "block" function).  Let me know if you want to run screaming for the hills after one email.  Don't think y'all could survive years of it with your sanity intact.  My teenage years were Hell, pardon my French.

There, I'm done whining.