My thoughts and reflections on my Catholic Faith, Fulton Sheen, the problem of suffering, and books

Thursday, June 4, 2015

A Peek Inside My Brain

Linking up with Mary at Passionate Perseverance. She normally does these #1000Gifts posts on Monday, but I was feeling inspired to blog today, and decided to follow her example on Thursday:

In my cup:
English Breakfast tea, courtesy of my roommate, who gave me 100 tea bags as a birthday present. 'Cause we all know that Em-before-she-has-had-tea is almost as bad as Em-after-you-insult-Fulton-Sheen-in-front-of-her.

Sitting in:
The comfy computer chair that was left in our old apartment. I claimed it, and made sure it came over to the house when we moved. It's the perfect chair to sit in, especially when the lower back thinks it's 96 instead of 26. ;-)

Listening to:
This playlist I created on YouTube:

The first song, "Here for a Reason" by Ashes Remain, is one I discovered last October. It came on the radio, and the message totally made my day. I've listened to it repeatedly since:
You're not forgotten, you're not alone
You think you're worthless, but you're worth it
And He calls you His own
Made in His image, you were made for more
You think there is no plan, that it's all by chance
But don't believe that anymore:
Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Everyday that your heart keeps beating
There's purpose for your life
So don't give up
Don't lay down
Just hold on
Don't quit now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are here for a reason

The sun is:
Hiding behind clouds. Today's a wet, cold, miserable day. I hate rain more than a cat does...there, y'all know the deep, dark truth now. And yet I love books more than I hate rain, so I biked 2.5 miles in a light sprinkle to go to the library. :-) I have now decided that my glasses need wipers, ya know, like windshield wipers? Think I'll patent those and make my fortune.

Something beautiful:
The array of birthday cards, and cards from my little pen pal, on my wall.

What's on my mind:
Well, several of y'all have encouraged me to be a bit more honest on here, to give my readers a peek inside my brain. If y'all run away screaming, that's okay. I sometimes want to do the same. Here goes....

1) I've kind of hit burn-out on my job as a caregiver. It's very exhausting working with a woman who can't talk because she had a stroke. It's more exhausting when she gets upset, and screams, and you're reminded of your mentally ill, emotionally abusive mother.
     Things have been a bit stressful lately, because she broke her leg and was in a rehab facility for a while (that was good driving practice...driving 20-odd miles one-way on curvy, country roads three times a week to visit her); but things are slowly returning to normal. And the person who lost their temper last week wasn't her; it was me. (But working for 23 hours straight--actually 17, because I slept for 8 of them--will do that to you.)
     I think I will try to keep to my commitment to work for them until October; but after that, I'm outta there! Now that I have my driver's license, I have slightly more flexibility...but that flexibility is hampered by the fact that I only have access to a car sometimes. My goal for the rest of 2015: save enough money to buy a very cheap, used car.
2) I'm feeling overwhelmed with all of the stress of 90% of my friends. From Brendan's cancer, to the anniversary of the death of a 23-year-old friend, to a horrible tragedy in a friend's family, to the deaths of two friends' grandfathers, to a sad loss for another friend...sometimes I don't think I can bear one more piece of bad news.

3) I'm realizing that I have serious issues with trust. Specifically trusting God, trusting in Divine Providence. Which evidently is all tied in to the fact that it's hard to understand the notion of God as my Father, when my own biological father simply wasn't there for 7 years. My dad wasn't there, he wasn't reliable, he wasn't trustworthy; so how am I supposed to trust that God the Father is there for me, that I can trust Him, that He's not going to leave me or drop me or give me trials simply out of a vengeful spirit of seeing how I deal with them?
     I fought that idea for several years; I thought it was a bunch of "psychobabble" and "hogwash" to say that; but I am slowly, ever so slowly, admitting that, yes, my biological father was supposed to show me what God the Father is like. His example then colors my idea of God the Father now.

What I am Praying For:
+ healing for Brendan, and peace and strength for his family...and for all of us who are blessed to be his friends
+ peace and healing and strength for so, so many friends

(The rest of) This Week Will Bring:
* Work tomorrow. 6 hours. You know you're burnt-out when you spend your day off counting the hours left in the work week.
* Looking forward to a weekend with my roommate and a college friend.
* The movie "I Am David." I just read the book. I've seen the movie at least twice, but I guess I hadn't realized there was a book. It's a children's book, and, boy, it was a page-turner. Looking forward to seeing the movie again; it's so beautiful to see David learn how to trust. (See #3 in "What's On My Mind.")

Grateful For:
The gratitude list has fallen by the wayside; it's been months since I put it on the blog, and almost three months since I wrote it down in my journal. The last entry in my gratitude journal, from March, is: the ability to walk, even if I hate walking in the rain.

So, here we go, with the thirty-first item on the blog:
#31. Library books.
#32. English breakfast tea.
#33. Dark chocolate. (Although, honestly, I prefer the dark chocolate that has been sweetened; I don't like my chocolate too bitter.)
#34. This song, "What Love Looks Like":
#35. This reminder from a friend that "God is in control...He laid the foundations of the earth. Trust Him."

(Chocolate and tea are often-repeated items in my journal...wonder what that says about my priorities in regards to things for which I am grateful....)

Anyway, that's all for now.

God Love Y'All!

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