My thoughts and reflections on my Catholic Faith, Fulton Sheen, the problem of suffering, and books

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Days 12-17: Discouragement

Welcome to days 12-17 of #31daysofwriting, again linking up with Passionate Perseverance and The Corner With a View.

It's been a long week.

Monday (day 12):
Monday began with an interview. It went well, but I'm not going to take it if I get offered it (which I think I will). The hourly pay is less than what I'm currently making, and I wouldn't be making ends meet even working 40 hours a week there. I need to get past the living-from-paycheck-to-paycheck and expenses-exceed-income mark.

(And before anyone suggests it, no, I'm not going to pick up a part-time job and work 60 hours a week like some people tell me they did when they were my age...I don't have that type of energy or motivation.)

Tuesday (day 13):
The math that I did yesterday led to an all-day struggle with discouragement.

I tried to follow up on the library applications I've put in, but the receptionist at the HR department told me to just check the status of my applications online. So I can't talk to anyone and tell him how much I want one of these jobs.

Wednesday (day 14):
Got a few much-needed reminders today:

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you (James 4:8)

I can do all things in Him Who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)

Thursday (day 15):
Got to see and pray before the relics of St. Maria Goretti, (one of) my Confirmation patron(s)!

Friday and Satuday (days 16 and 17):
The discouragement's lingered, fueled by a word here, a word there.

This is today's list of jobs on Catholic Jobs:

  • Database List Maintenance Coordinator
  • Fiscal Analyst
  • Quality Assurance Director
  • Family Reunification Case Aide
  • Family Reunification Social Worker
  • Job Developer MRS
  • Bilingual Therapist
  • Technology Project Administrator
  • Staff Attorney
I can't do any of those.

Sure, I could go get a job at a grocery store or Panera or Cracker Barrell...but that would still leave me living-from-paycheck-to-paycheck and probably not even that.

I suppose I shouldn't be too discouraged, because, right now at least, I have more saved than I had during those five jobless months immediately after graduation. But savings won't last forever.

I can't do this. I can't keep sitting around looking on job websites, and hoping to find something. The job fair was not much help; I got exactly one interview out of that, and it doesn't pay well enough.

I need a job. I need a job that is something I know I can do. I need a job that pays the bills, puts bread on the table, and something in the savings account.

If only writers weren't notoriously broke, I'd write. But that won't pay the bills.

I give up.

This song is sort of helping a bit:

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
"Just Be Held," by Casting Crowns

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