My thoughts and reflections on my Catholic Faith, Fulton Sheen, the problem of suffering, and books

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Hello, Trust (2016)...Goodbye, Fear (2015)

Well, it's here. It is officially the Year of Our Lord two thousand sixteen.

A new year is a time for new beginnings; for many, it is a time of resolutions to better oneself (most of which don't last for more than a couple weeks...or days, if you're anything like me).

Back in December, I took the Saint Name Generator to pick a patron saint for this new year.

I got St. Thomas Aquinas...patron, among other things, of theologians. Now, I would not call myself a "theologian," but I did major in Theology; so his patronage seemed fitting. Time to read the entirety of the Summa Theologiae...

After reading this post by Mary at Passionate Perseverance, I knew what my word for 2016 was:


Trust.

This wasn't something I sat and thought about; it just came to me. (Can you say "Holy Spirit"?)

Trust is my word for this Year of Our Lord 2016.

Trust is something I am called to do, especially in this season of my life when I'm job-hunting, when I don't know what the next step is.

Yesterday called for a hefty dose of trust, when I realized that a monthly bill had more than doubled. I had known it was going to increase, but did not realize that it was going to double. Cue the panic...

The Bible verse was pretty easy, too...something that speaks of God's love. Because that was the "theme" of the advice that one friend gave me last year over and over again: "God loves you. Regardless of the contempt you feel towards yourself, God loves you."

I did some Googling, found this list, scrolled through the Bible verses...and this one spoke to my heart:
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear . . . he who fears is not perfected in love. (1 Jn. 4:18, cobbled together translation)
Because that is my problem.

I am a coward. I'm afraid of failure. I'm equally afraid of success. Thus, I'm afraid to try. Which makes job-hunting difficult to an almost-paralyzing degree. (On a lighter level, I'm also afraid of heights and drowning.)

I am afraid to trust. To be honest, trust...putting my entire life and future and job and *everything* in the hands of an infinite God and trusting that He won't drop me (being afraid of heights makes this metaphor click with me)...scares the living daylights out of me.


Two days ago, on January 1, 2016, I sat down with some quotes on the love of God, planning to sit there and pray with them for ten minutes or so; and I found every excuse to get up: I need a drink of water, Dad's cat sounds like he's getting into trouble, I'm too hot and need to take my jacket off, etc., etc.

Is that sad, or what? I am scared by the thought of the unconditional love of God. I do everything I can to distract myself from sitting there and thinking about that love. I run.

Enough running, Emily. It's time to stop running scared.

In 2016...I will trust that God has a plan, that "He knows what He's doing," that He is "a good, good Father," and that He will provide.

In 2016...I will spend more time meditating on the infinite love of God for me, trusting in that love, and fighting back against the fears that overwhelm me.

Dear Jesus, have mercy on me and save me! Help me to believe in Your love for me! (First prayer composed by a dear friend of mine; second from this blog post, written by another dear friend.)

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